Yeah.

I'm taking a very short but very much needed vacation.

I wanted to write down a few things before I go.

Do you remember me asking you to define intimacy a while back? I would hotlink to it, but I'm lazy like that.

I wasn't being poetic, or bloggy. I really didn't know what intimacy was. I still don't.

I know what it's not, though. It's not co-dependency. It's not an over-dependency on another person. That just hurts.

Eh.

Moving on.

I can't control what other people think of me. Oh, for crikie-sake. Why, at my OLD AGE do I still care what people think of me? (After all this therapy, I should know that answer.)

Anyhoo. I'm finding this weird little pleasure in being kind to people who don't approve of me. Mmmmmm. Fun, huh? Naughty, I know.

I'm finding joy in the unexpected kindness of friends and acquaintances. Ugh. Why is it so hard for me to accept kindness and help from others?

Moving on.

And finally? After about fifteen years of hairdressers nagging me to part my hair on the right, instead of the left...I've listened. I'm feeling more balanced. I think this may be the very reason I've been feeling slightly outta-whack for all of these years.

*sigh*

Ben Folds is just plain goodness. Such good lyrics!



Regina Spektor's music makes me smile. Love this.

Sometimes

photo by Jen


Sometimes I go from being overwhelmed to just being tired. I am right now.

Sometimes I forget to be thankful. I haven't been all week.

Sometimes I throw a little fit. I did yesterday.

Sometimes I forget where I'm going. I don't think I ever really knew.

Sometimes I laugh at myself. I do this nearly every day around 4:00 p.m. CST.

Sometimes I'm glad that there's a part of me that will never conform. It seems to be my life-line.

Sometimes I catch a glimpse of the woman I'm becoming, and it's good.

photo by Jen


"I have come to believe that by and large the human family all has the same secrets, which are both very telling and very important to tell. They are telling in the sense that they tell what is perhaps the central paradox of our condition—that what we hunger for perhaps more than anything else is to be known in our full humanness, and yet that is often just what we also fear more than anything else.
It is important to tell at least from time to time the secret of who we truly and fully are—even if we tell it only to ourselves—because otherwise we run the risk of losing track of who we truly and fully are and little by little come to accept instead the highly edited version which we put forth in hope that the world will find it more acceptable than the real thing. It is important to tell our secrets too because it makes it easier that way to see where we have been in our lives and where we are going.
It also makes it easier for other people to tell us a secret or two of their own, and exchanges like that have a lot to do with what being a family is all about and what being human is all about."

Frederick Buechner. (Thanks to Awareness for the quote...and to Frederick Buechner.
:-)

Awareness has a beautiful blog. It's one of my favorites. This post is about secrets. It's sublime.

They're laughing WITH me.

A friend at work suggested Friendly Fires. That lead singer can move. Makes me wanna move.

Oh, I did dance at work today. Physical therapists are multi-talented people.

We were all cranky about paperwork. I just got up and busted some old skool MC Hammer moves. Running man. Reverse running man. Ya know, the basics.

Go Jen.
Go Jen.
It's yer birthday.
getchyer swerve on!

Laughter ensued.

I threw down the gauntlet and nobody accepted my dance floor challenge.

Wimps.

Light some incense. Dig it.

I cannot believe this is 311. It's so different. I like it.
Happy. Hippy. Whatever.
It feels good.

Happy Wednesday! Heeheehee!!

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father's Day, y'all.

To all the dudes out there. You are so very special in our lives.

I realized a few years back that I cannot tell my husband how to be a father.

He may do things differently than I would, but that's just fine.

He plays loud, and they love that.

He makes messes with them, and they love that.

Daddys and their children have a special kind of love that flourishes when allowed to be just what it is.

Thank you for your loving influence and protection. You are special and much needed.

You are valued.

Cammy the camera: Hey Jen, I'm getting bored. Why haven't you picked me up in more than two weeks?

Jen: Sorry Cammy. I guess life has been kinda busy. I miss you. I would love to buy LightRoom and load up a memory card with awesome shots of old buildings, crazy people, beautiful things, and random things. I would love to have hours alone to do this. Will you forgive me?

Cammy: sure. Why are you talking to a camera?

Jen: I don't know. I just don't know! ;-)

June is such a long month, isn't it?

No, it's just me.


So I've been practicing the art of living life right now.

It's such a relief to not think too much about the future. What does it do for me anyway, but cause anxiety?

And thinking about the past tends to cause either shame or regret.

So I'm left with the present. I know. I sound like Stewart Smalley. I used to mock him and those like him. Oh, how we change.



Lately I slow down enough to notice my breathing...if my neck or back is tight...what the leaves on the tree look like with the sunshine passing through them...it really is what life is about.

Abundant life is taking on a new meaning.


Yesterday someone at work asked me, "What kind of mood are you in?"

I'm in a get-it-done mood.

"That's not a mood."

Thank you. You're right, it's not. It's an attitude.




Sometimes I get in such a hurry that I don't even know how I feel. I neglect myself. If I neglect myself, how can I possibly love those around me? I so want to teach my kids to love themselves and respect themselves. This is a huge problem in our society. Low self-esteem leads to disrespecting oneself, which leads to disrespecting those around oneself (society). It all starts at home.


I used to think that it was great to be a martyr, to be selfless. Self-less. In reality, it was just me focusing on those around me in an attempt to avoid feeling my own feelings.


Maybe I just need to take care of self first before I can be self-sacrificing.

It's not selfish to take care of self. It's self-ful. It's good.



Matthew 6:34 Therefore, do not worry about tomorrow. For tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it's own.


In the South, we say "don't borrow trouble".

Things.

Full-time work is exhausting.


I think my co-workers are pretty cool, but one guy has no concept of boundaries, physical or emotional. He even hates the word 'boundaries'. I know this because I told him that he has no concept of boundaries. Big surprise, huh?

I'm not ashamed of being a working-mom like I was afraid I would be.

My hair is somewhat natural and it's...driving me somewhat crazy. I've got a bottle of candy apple red just dyeing to be put on my head. heehee.

I've learned a new term. Emotional sobriety.


I never knew a lot of things about myself until very recently.


I'm strong enough to tell my truth to anyone, anywhere. Even when they get very angry and yell "Bullshit!" and walk out of the room. I didn't walk out. I didn't. I stayed. It's never about the other guy. She can put her bullshit in a bag and take it home. It's hers, not mine. :-)


I'm tired.

Tragedy

They memorialized their fallen hero, who was murdered, by murdering others in return.

Retaliation?

Does this sound like gang violence?

Religious jihad?

Think again.

Alright. It's lightweight stuff.

But I'm so thankful.



I feel so grateful to have a big 'ol handful of loving friends to put their arms around me and hug me on occasion.

The tears flowed and I said, "It was a shitty weekend". (It was weird, really...hit from all directions. Out of nowhere. And I know it's not a coincidence. Anyway...that's for a different blog post.)

"But it's over."

Good point. Why relive it?

God, thank you for so many amazing friends.

Isn't it just beautiful how we find grace right when we need it and not a minute sooner?

Isn't it beautiful how our lives twist and turn into places we never would have imagined? And in those places we find some of the most precious, live-giving people we'll ever meet.

I am so very grateful.

My daughter would be seven years old right now. My daughter is seven years old right now.

Her reality is different than mine.

I wonder what she looks like, running through the fields of golden wheat?

I wonder what her laugh sounds like?

I wonder if she misses me, of if she knows the exact minute that she'll greet me?

I wonder.

I love you, sweet girl.

It's true.

Oh dude. I have got to go to bed.

damn this blog. ;-)

For ElBro

It probably wasn't this performance, but...I remember standing in front of the TV with a huge lump in my throat and tears in my eyes.


When patriotism, art, and beauty come together...it's a splendid thing.


I'm glad I still remember that moment.

Otis

I discovered Otis Redding when I was in eighth grade. I sat in my room and listened to my mom's albums. I was wooed. I was changed. I was just a little bit different than most of my friends, and I was fine with that. Actually, so were they. That's what made them good friends.

Whaaaaaa?

Hmmm.

Ever had so much going on in your head that you're physically tired?

I don't know what I want to say anymore. I'm in a perpetual state of whaaaaaa?

I don't know so much right now.

But it's cool. I realize that it's a tender time and it won't always be this way. In fact, it's precious. It's a time of awakening. It's revealing me.

Hey, I think I just chose to be positive. Whaaaaaa?


Things change, I suppose.


Jen

Black and White in town

(photos by Pinky)

I want to go in there.

Steady on,


Pinky

Fire

I took this picture at this time last year. I remember driving home from work with my camera in the seat next to me, eagerly looking around for something interesting. Funny how I always see the greatest things when I don't have my camera. Anyway, there was one interesting thing on the way home. A burned down house. It was an old farm house, previously abandoned. I think people burn them down when they are uninhabitable. Old abandoned barns, houses, and buildings just fascinate me. When I took these images I wasn't impressed, and they didn't mean anything to me. Now they do.

Sometimes I think we have to be broken down in order to grow. If there's never pain, we'll never have joy. Me? I'd much rather have the pain and joy intermingled than a life of emotional and spiritual apathy. I don't invite pain and suffering. But I've never run from it. I mean, we're here. That is what happens here. We're not there yet.

Back to the photo. The fireplace. It withstood the fire.

What I've learned is that you have to trust yourself to survive it. With a strong foundation, a strong sense of self and loving who God made you to be...well, dang. That's power.